Stress vs Anxiety

One of the things I'm realizing the most since my job change was exactly how much anxiety I had in the job. Anxiety is different than stress (at least for me) -- I've had stressful jobs with a lot of deliverbles, tight timelines, things that went wrong, every job has that. But what I am realizing was that the other place wasn't stressful as much as it was completely filled with pure anxiety:

• anxiety that you were going to get fired
• anxiety that taking time off meant you were dropped from projects and out of the loop
• anxiety that you were going to be cursed out in front of people with whom you have to work
• anxiety that missing a meeting meant you would lose parts of your job
• anxiety that you'd get thrown under the bus to make someone else look good
• anxiety that you had to answer emails right away or you weren't doing your job

Just a lot of pure anxiety. And none of it was constructive to a good working environment or increased performance. I remember having similar conversations with other people working there and it not really registering. Now that I'm in a role and a company where things are professional and normal, it just seems so different and relaxing. There is no anxiety (there is still stress, but that's ok). And as a result, things get done, people are content and things move a lot smoother.

And the weird part is, I'm having some trouble adjusting. Almost like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for a hammer to fall and get blamed for something.

Anxiety in an organization is poison, it poisons performance, it poisons working environment and it will eventually poison product and client satisfaction. You can debate the merits of some stress in a job to keep people at their best, but anxiety has no place in a business. If your people are on edge and anxious then your company cannot prosper.

So the lesson here for me is to look for this in places where I work and teams that I manage. If the company can never quite get there than maybe, just maybe what you think is stress is actually anxiety. Then the key is to find the cause and get rid of it. If that's a person, fire them. If that's a job function, change it. If that's a corporate culture, change it. ASAP.

2 years is way too long -- The New Year's Resolution

Well, 2 years without an entry means this blog had officially joined the ranks of the forgotten. And really, it speaks to how the last 2 years have been.... VERY fast but very busy.

In some ways its been good. Jobs went ok, then not, then ok again. I was successful in removing mydelf from the area of the company that was causing the most stress, but in a small business you never really get away. What that meant was the bad feelings and animosity I left always stayed around. It was the subtone for everything for the last 2 years. There were constant battles everywhere for no real reason other than 2 personalities that didn't match.

 Finally I decided to leave the company and do something different. It was a hard decision but one that needed to be made. And ironically, it was about 2 years overdue.

A while ago I posted about wondering how to know when you're done. At the time things were bad on a lot of levels. What I realize now is that sometimes you're actually done before you know it. You may know in your soul but failure is hard to take. And my time with this company was a personal failure. I had some good successes in programs, I blew the doors off my revenue targets, customers were really happy and we made progress. But I was passed over for promotions, relegated out of roles I wanted and prevented from taking on the roles where I could do the most good. By admission of my manager, not because it's not the right role for me, but because other people don't want me there.

But personally, it was tough. I spent every part of my being to get what I achieved only to (so I've been told) be downplayed and blamed in Exec meetings. Again, the problems I tried to leave stayed around. The failure was twofold:

1. Not being able to see the impacts early enough
2. Not being able to work through them after the fact

I don't know if anything was fixable, that takes a desire on both sides.

So, I moved on. Much to the disapointment of a lot of senior people. Which is a little ironic as they all expressed disappointment I was leaving, agreed that there was a serious personality conflict but never wanted to address it (as they hadn't for years).

I'm now in a great role in a larger organization. This isn't permenent, it was never intended to be. Its a chance for me to get centered again, find some of the confidence in myself and my abilities I've lost and also just take a bit of a breather.

I want to go back to a small company with big stress and massive opportunities, but I'm being a lot more selective. This time I really want the good company vibe and environment before I sign on for the rest.

My New Year's Resolution -- Write more, be more comfortable, get back in the game.

See how it goes.